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Legends, Ballads 
And Other Sketches 
In Rhyme 



By CHAS. M. COBB. 






Price Twenty-five Cents. 






Song Verses, Legends, Ballads 

and other Sketches 

in Rhyme. 



By CHARLES M. COBB, 



Klondike---A Rhapsody, 



1. 
Oh, say, will you go, o'er the ice and snow, 

To Klondike so free and so gay? 
There are riches untold and bowlders (?) of gold 

In that place o'er the hills far away. 
Bnt there's nothing to eat, which fact you must meet 

And "carry your grab for a year"; 
An "Injun" or bear would starve to death theiv. 

So truly you've nothing to fear. 

Refrain — 
It's consid'rable cold, but there's plenty of gold 

And pools of coal-oil for your hair, 
Ice-water to shave, and snow for your grave, 

And freedom beyond all compare ! 

And there are no flies (in winter) to rise 

And to make life a burden ont there; 
No "corners" in ice will there raise its price — 

Temptations you'll not have to bear. 
No beer, neither ruin, in contact will come 

With yon as you go out in the storm, 
And there you have got an ideal spot 

For moral and temp'rance reform ! 



Profit vs. Pleasure. 



1. 
They hauled him forth from out the drift. 

That cold December day, 
Where he'd got stuck and fallen down 

When lost upon his way. 
He'd climbed the hill to foxes hunt 

Amidst the blinding snow ; 
He was half frozen, cast and lost, 

And farther could not go. 
They took him home and thawed him out. 

And on his bed they laid him, 
While wondering much if he supposed 

Such hunting greatly paid him. 
Twas hard to see wherein it did. 

And one did speak and say 
To him : "How can it profit you 

To hunt on such a day?" 

Refrain— 
Said he : "My friend, you do me wrong 

And underrate my measures 
Tis not for profit that I huut— 

I merely hunt for pleasure !" 

2. 

Sure, he was almost tired to death— 

He'd made a "century run," 
And never stopped to catch his breath 

As o'er the plains he spun. 
They took him from his fallen bike 

And laid him on a bed, 
Then briskly rubbed his hands and feet 

And camphorized his head. 
An hour passed by of hope and fear. 

And Death was driv'n away ; 
His friends were standing by his side 

And one of them did say : 
"Why did he work himself so hard 

And 'scorch' along the way? 
[ hardly see how he could think 

That' it would ever pay." 



7h^ XS 't<^ 



Befrain — 
Right there his friend then did him wrong 

And judged too small his measure ; 
'Twas not for pay that he did ride — 

He only rode for plea sure ! 

3. 

They on a shutter brought him home 

From off the football field 
Where he with skill and proAvess great 

His bravery had sealed. 
His eyes were blacke.d, his nose was smashed. 

His face was tramped upon, 
With nearly half his hair pulled out 

And several front teeth gone. 
One leg was cracked and generally 

Quits well '-used up" was he, 
And also very much fatigued 

And mad as he could be. 
When coming off the football ground 

They met upon the way 
A stranger bold who gazed at them, 

And thus to them did say : 
•T cannot see what is the use 

To go and football play ; 
It bothers me to understand 

How it can ever pay." 

Refrain — 
Alas ! 'tis thus Ave do them wrong 

And underrate their measure; 
'Tis not for paltry pay they play, 

They do but play for pleasure ! 



The Great Monohippic Aggregation. 



1. 
Old Dr. Slow he wished to know 
A staving title for his show 
With which to go 'round to and fro 
Where'er there was disease and woe. 
And strike at them a mortal blow 
(If he the people could advise) 
And at the same time advertise: 



A mighty name lie now desired, 
One such as seemed to be required 
To make the thing seem most all-fired 
Big, and he himself most wise. 

2. 
He had a friend to whom to send 
And have him lend his aid to mend 
This matter till they'd reached its end. 
This friend was wise beyond his size 
And sure would rise and take the prize. 
For he was full up to his eyes ; 
Of words he knew the use, and drew 
Conclusions true as lines he'd brew 
And go on thus till all was blue: 
And 'twas his job to wisdom rob 
Till he should blob a name to daub 
Upon that show r that was no slob. 

3. 

Then said his friend, ''We'll now attend 
Unto your scheme and recommend 
A staving name well fit for fame 
And sure to strike with awe the nation. 
And ere we quit (as here we sit) 
You'll truly get a name to fix 
The greatest show in all creation. 
By Jove ! I vow, I have it now — 
Don't longer wait, but say -The Great 
And Monohipjric Aggregation.'" 

4. 
The Doctor then got posters printed 
And through the country with them sprinted 
And smiled as mentally he squinted 
And saw the cash that could be minted ! 
He sewed and basted, tacked and pasted 
And boot-taps wasted as he hasted 
To grasp the joys soon to be tasted. 

5. 

With pace that kills he stuck those bills, 

For he'd the pills to cure all ills 

And felt all ready for the hills ; 

But on the road where first he showed 

It fierc el v snowed and loudly bio wed. 



There came but one to see the fun ; 

He'd nothing won when he begun, 

And nothing reaped where much was sowed. 

6. 
Then said that one : "You cannot run ! 
Your cake is dough, for, don't you know, 
They'll never go to hear you blow? — 
You've advertised a 'one-horse show!' 
And truly now you are undone, 
For hippie means horse and mono means one ! 

No bounds the Doctor's rage then knew ; 

He cursed and swore and ripped and tore 

Until the air around was blue. 

It was too mean and much too green ! 

And, worse than all the rest, 'twas true ! 

For with one horse he did, of course, 

Intend to go on with his show. 

It was too bad — 'twas truly sad 

(And that's what made the Doctor mad.) 



Great Wealth— A Fable. 



1. 
He cared not for riches, only just a good living ; 
That was all he expected or he thought worth the 

giving — 
'Twas in fact all he wanted, and more than he got. 
For no surplus of money e'er had come to his lot. 

2. 

He prayed to the Fates that he might have a chance 
Himself to make sure of his meats in advance, 
And nothing but that did he ask them to give 
Nor expect to receive all the while he should live. 

3. 
The Fates heard his prayer, and straightway 'twas 

granted, 
And they showed him a scheme that would bring 

what he wanted. 
En fact, 'twould bring more if he cared to receive it 
And there he could take it or there he could leave it, 



They showed him a mine full of diamonds and gold. 
Sure ne'er such a sight will our eyes e'er behold, 
And of pearls by the thousand and gems by the ton 
He could take what he wanted until they were gone. 

5. 

"Now here," said the Fates, "you may go in and 

dig; 
But don't keep at work till your pile is too big. 
You must not stop nor look up to see, 
For when yon do either no mine there will be. 

6. 

"Go into this mine, now, and dig while you stay. 
Then take what you've shoveled and go on your 

way. 
But if yon stop digging or to look, turn about, 
These treasures will vanish save what is thrown 

out. 



"If you've told us truth and correctly we've reck- 
oned, 

Yon can get all you want in some less than a sec- 
ond. 

But go in the same and take what you will ; 

And then you'll not need be dissatisfied still." 

8. 
He went in and dug — he threw up the gold [told ; 
And the jewels and diamonds, worth fortunes un- 
He stopped not to look and he stayed not to figure, 
As hour after hour his pile yet grew bigger. 

;>. 
Said he to himself : "I Avid not stop yet, 
To be sure I've enough, but still more will I get; 
I will do all I can do, and not any less ; 
I'll m j 'er get another such chance as is this !" 

10. 

And hour after hour it still was the same ; 
But all that he made never won him the game, 
For the more that he got to be put in his purse 
The more he still wanted— and wanted it worse! 



11. 
He never came out — to look he ne'er tarried, 
He dug till his treasure pile caved— and was buried. 
Could it different been, and he taken his fill. 
He ue'er would have stopped, but be digging there 
still. 

12. 

Do you really think that this fool was to blame? 
Ev'ry man in a million would do just the same! 
And 'tis but human nature — great wealth is a curse, 
For we only want more, and we want it still worse ! 



Dr.- Quack's Physic. 



Old Dr. Quack, who dwelt way back, 

Did wondrous physic make sure ; 
'T would go straight through them, if into them 

They a dose did take sure. 
Full well he knew an emetic, too, 

And strong and sure could make it, 
No one, indeed, would hold his feed 

Long after he did take it. 
'Twas not denied, when both were tried, 

They'd tear away all blockings — 
They'd pass their hide out from inside 

And throw up boots and stockings. 

2. 

There was a man (the story ran) 

Near by so constipated 
That though at night strong dynamite 

He used, he vainly waited, 
And Nature's call came not at all; 

No good being clone unto him. 
For he'd no show to stool to go, 

And nothing would come through him. 
But Dr. Quack got on his track — 

On him with pills did call then ; 
He bought the pills and paid the bills. 

And took them box and all then. 



3. 

Throughout the day upou his way 

The Doctor plied his trade then, 
And just at night he hove in sight, 

For he felt none afraid then. 
He called and said unto a lad 

Then using soap and towels : 
"Now tell me, lad, the patient's had 

A movement of his bowels?" 
"Had four right off," the youth replied ; 

"I know'd darned quick he'd have-ter- 
The first one just before he died 

And t'other three right after." 

Mr. Thief's Account. 



A VERMONT MERCANTILE LEGEND. 
1. 

Tom Henry kept a store at Chester 

In good old "piping times of peace;" 
His trade was good, but thieves did pester 

And badly hurt the net increase. 
The stealings reached a good amount, 

Still Henry yielded not to grief, 
But opened up a book account 

And charged them there to "Mr. Thief." 

2. 

And as the months flew quickly by 

Whenever goods he found he'd lost 
He sought his desk without a sigh 

And set them down at twice their cost! 
At last one day he spied a neighbor 

Red-handed, swiping codfish salt; 
Tom waited not with him to labor, 

But sternly ordered him to "halt." 

3. 

His friend was grieved, and said until 
That hour he'd ne'er thus sinned before, 

And if "let off" he'd pay the bill 
And never would he do so more. 

Fact was, he'd got no cash that day. 



9 



To call for trust he much did dread it. 
And all the while he meant to pay, 

And would (when home) have given credit! 



Then Henry went and got his book; 

Said he : "I also keep accounts, 
And now I'll at my charges look 

And see to what your bill amounts." 
Said he: "Our figures don't agree — 

You're 'Mr. Thief,' and now it 'follers' 
That on my book you'll plainly see 

There's charged against you eighty dollar? 



"This codfish is but fifty cents, 

But that's not all you've had of me. 
And now, regardless of intents, 

You'll pay for all or trouble see. 
"But," said his friend, "now that's too bad 

How can you make me pay all this 
When this one fish is all I've had, 

And, until now, done naught amiss?" 

6. 

"It's all correct," said Tom with vim — 

"I've taken extra pains to track it, 
And 'Mr. Thief (for you are him), 

Now pay your bill or stand the racket !" 
His friend then gave his note to pay 

Of Henry's bill the full amount. 
And wiser, sadly went his way, 

And "quit" that sort of book-account. 

MORAL. 

Alas ! too soon you'll find it true 
That thieving, lust or other sin 

The total bill may bring on you 
Of unknown company you're in ! 



10 
The Fatal Mistake. 



A TRAGIC NEW HAMPSHIRE LEGEND. 
1. 

They fell in love and were engaged 
And then they had a falling out ; 

And now a lovers' quarrel waged, 
And this was how it came about. 

2. 

He smoked tobacco and he chewed, 

And this she did not like at all, 
And in a way that he deemed rude 

On him to quit its use did call. 

He was much vexed and he declared 
By all the good that wisdom teaches 

That he would not by her be scared 

And that she could not "wear the breeches 

4. 

But come to think the matter o'er, 
He saw he'd made a great mistake, 

For she was rich, while he was poor, 
And reparation he must make. 

He bought (on trust) a fine silk dress, 
A seal-skin cape (same way) procured 

And wrote a letter to confess 
That grevous wrong she had endured. 

6. 

He therein begged her to '-accept 

These garments," sent her by her "slave," 
And that they should by her "be kept 

And worn," to show that she "forgave." 

7. 
He mailed the note, then packed to send 

His washerwoman two old pairs 
Of pantaloons to clean and mend 

When on her daily round of cares. 



11 



8. 

AIms ! alas ! by fatal chance 

These bundles both were wrongly sent; 
His sweetheart got the seedy pants, 

But 'tother way the prizes went. 

9. 
His washerwoman was delighted. 

And did not wait for any talk. 
But soon as she those clothes had sighted 

She '-tried them on" and went to walk. 

10. 

He met her on the street next day. 

In silks and sealskins fine arrayed ; 
But to explain he could not stay 

As tie had cause to be afraid. 

li. 
His sweetheart's brother with a gun 

Rushed 'round the corner full in view. 
And straight for Texas did he run 

To there find fields and pastures new. 



Progress. 



AN EPJC POEM, IX TWO STANZAS. 

[Argument— While the youth remains at home' 
although known to everybody, he is overlooked- 
neglected and almost unnoticed. But later on he 
goes abroad, soon attracts attention, is duly recog- 
nized by the general public and rises in the world.] 

i. 
He did not care to longer stay 

Where ev'rybody knew him. 
With naught but reputation his 

And that a damage to him. 
And off he went and left the town 

Regardless of all rhythm. 
(The reason why he left it was — 

He could not take it with him.) 



12 



At home the folks near by could ne'er 

Appreciate his mission. 
And he was forced to occupy 

A very slim position ; 
But far away he progress made — 

Attention to him clung, 
And lots of people came around 

And stayed to see him hung. 



The Life- Preservers. 



A PATHETIC BALLAD. 

1. 

A very modest youth he was, 

And he alone preferred to go 
To bathe; but still 'twas bad, because 

Of swimming little did he know. 
He set his wits to work to think 

How when alone he'd be secure 
And in the water never sink, 

But stay upon its surface sure. 

He went and two hogs' bladders bought, 

And having duly cleaned and dried them. 
He blowed them up, and having got 

All ready, to his heels he tied them. 
Then, having donned his bathing rig, 

Just right to health and pleasure win. 
He with his bladders strong and big 

Walked down the slope and waded in. 

He did not come back home that day ; 

His chair stood vacant at the table ; 
All through the night he stayed away, 

And none to And him yet were able; 
But in the morn they sought the pool, 

And there his clothes lav on the ground. 



13 



And floating on its surface cool 

His heels and bladders safe Mere found. 



When yon for your life do on bladders depend 
Be sure that von fasten them on the risrht end. 



Cuban Liberty-— 1897. 



1. 
O, Spain! of all the nations 

That stay upon the earth. 
You've been the foe of freedom 

Since Knowledge gave her birth; 
You've shed the blood of freeman. 

Of martyr and of saint — 
Your "holy inquisition'" 

Hell's record black would paint. 
The shades of Montezuma 

And Bolivar return 
With those your racks did torture 

And hellish tires did burn. 
To curse your name forever 

And with grim pleasure view 
This breaking down of tyrants 

In the Old World and the New. 



O, peerless isle of Cuba! 

Of all their western lands. 
Thou art the only country 

That the Spaniard still commands 
For Cortez and Pizarro 

Have had their rise and fall. 
And left but -'Butcher Weyler" 

To supplement them all. 
'Tis but a sorry showing 

That Weyler now can give, 
For sure no blacker villain 

Than he did ever live. 
His is the bloodiest chapter 



1 1 



Our history can show— 
This work of Spanish tyrants, since 
Four hundred years ago. 



O, fairest isle of Cuba, 

Our jewel of the sea ! 
How dismal and how bloody 

Thy lot must ever be, 
Until the chains of tyrants 

Give way and leave thee free 
Amidst acclaim of nations. 

For Cuban Liberty. 
Alas! poor bleeding Cuba. 

How long- must thou remain 
Beneath that thing of horror. 

The "iron heel of Spain"?- 
How long thy weeping daughter 

Endure their grief and pain. 
And brave and gallant soldiers 

Yield up their lives in vain? 



O. fertile isle of Cuba! 

Ere long thy sun will rise. 
The glorious light of Freedom 

Will overspread thy skies. 
No more the haughty Spaniard 

Thy suffering land oppress. 
And all thy weary struggles bring 

But worse and worse distress. 
Soon peace and love will meet thee 

And glory thine will be. 
Prosperity will, greet thee 

In thy stronghold of the free- 
Then we will be thy neighbor. 

Thou jewel of the sea, 
Amidst acclaim of nations 

For Cuban Liberty ! 



15 
Skating. 

AN EMOTIONAL SKETCH. 
1. 

Don't skate in Autuni; 'tis not nice 
To wait till Spring" beneath the ice. 
Or (on the other hand), if found, 
Your grave have dug in muddy ground. 



Don't skate in Winter; wait until 
There's warmth enough so 'twill not kill. 
Of all unhealthy jobs accurst. 
A zero skating job's the worst. 

3. 

Don't skate in Spring- time; you should need 
Your time to work and sow your seed ; 
Or, it you've leisure, take the air 
Of balmy Spring, so fine and fail-. 



Don't skate in Summer; 'tis too hot. 
And, furthermore, no ice you've got; 
So you can see, and at a glance. 
That you'll not skate, for there's no chance 



The wisest time to skating- try 
Is when you've got to skate or die. 
Until that time arrives, 'tis best 
To let all skating take a rest. 



When the time conies, you can decide 
Lf you will skate to save your hide, 
Or if you'll let your troubles cease 
And quietly then; die — in peace. 



16* 
The Great Remedies. 



Jinks' Hair Restorative will cure 

All baldness, just as soon as tried; 
'Twill start new hair, however bare, 

On any surface where applied. 
Tis warranted, and cannot fail; 

Yet, strange to tell, we now feel called 
Upon to state that at this date 

Old Jinks himself is wholly bald. 

2, 

Take Scrocjgs' Dyspepsia Medicine! 

'Twill drive dyspepsia far away — 
'Twill quickly cure, and just as sure 

As night is followed by the day. 
Yet Scroggs can only take skimmed milk 

(On that alone he gets his fill). 
In his tin cup he heats it up 

And slowly sucks it through a quill. 

3. 

Use Mott's Elixir? and you'll ne'er 

Grow old or die, 'tis loudly said, 
But always live, for strength 'twill give; 

In fact, 'twill almost raise the dead ! 
This being so, you'd surely think 

Its owner might survive all woe, 
And yet old Mott has gone to rot, — 

He died full twenty vears ago. 



Don't Look Too Far Away. 



l. 
Young man, don't look too far away 

Your fntnre work to see ; 
Enough you'll find without delay 

At home, where e'er you be. 



17 



Tis better far that work to do 

And take your chance of pay 
Than 'tis to tramp the country through 

And while your time away. 

Refrain — 
Don't look too far. Your wand'rings bar 

Keep clear of fuss and care, 
And settle down to run your town 

And stay right where you are. 

2. 
Forth from his home the wide world o'er 

If every man moves out, 
'Tis all the same as 'twas before, 

Except they've changed about ! 
What one has made another's lost— 

They cannot all have gained ; 
But when they stop and count the cost 

Of moving, they'll be pained ! 

3. 

If turnips you don't want to plant 

And a lawyer you would be 
(Because 'twill better suit your bent 

And larger make your fee) , 
To make that change a right have you. 

Although perhaps you'll rue it ; 
But still, don't think you've got to go 

Five hundred miles to do it! 



And if a sweetheart you have got, 
Don't go to look another ; 

'Twere better all the sex to cut 
But her and your old mother. 

There may be many who are smarter 
And handsomer to view, 

But do not try with them to barter- 
s'^ is the girl for you. 

5. 

Old man, if you've got surplus cash 

Saved for a rainy day, 
Don't let yourself now get too rash 

And send it far away, 



18 



"Large dividends" they promise you. 

"Big interest" will they pay; 
But when that money leaves your view 

You've given it away ! ' 



The way to get your money's worth 

Is — stay at home and use it ; 
Tis better so than send it forth 

A thousand miles — and lose it. 
There always is at home some chance 

Your money to invest ; 
Then boom your town, yourself advance- 

And you'll have done your best. 



Herrings and Beer. 



A LOCAL HISTORICAL BALLAD. 
1. 

'Twas Horace Kane that tramped into 

His cousin Albert's store 
When he a basement-grocery kept 

In palmy days of yore ; 
And Horace, having got inside 

And taken well his bearings, 
Did straighten up quite haughtily 

And call for three smoked herrings. 

2. 

Then for such fish his face proved good 

And they to him were handed, 
And then he stood and pondered sore, 

For he was wholly "stranded." 
Said he : "But now my appetite 

May not prove good, I fear, 
For herrings, and I'd like to swap 

Them for a glass of beer." 



They took the herrings back and poured 

Him out a glass of beer, 
Of which he flunsr himself outside 



19 



And for the door did steer. 
"But," cried his cousin, "now hold on ! 

That beer you have not paid for." 
Said he : "The beer most surely you 

With me did herrings trade for." 

4. 

"All right," said Albert; "just as well; 

Then for the herrings pay." 
Said Horace : "But you took them back. 

There on your shelf they lay ! 
When I clo herrings buy of you, 

I then will for them pay." 
And then he strode forth from the door 

And traveled on his way. 

MORAL. 

If any one has bought your stuff 

'Tis soon enough to trade 
And give him something else for it 

When he has for it paid. 



Save Your Health, 



Of all that's here to be held dear 
Health's first, though free of cost. 

Don't let it go and never know 
Its value till it's lost. 

2. 
Don't take a rest. It is not best 

To ever think of health (?) 
You must not shirk ; keep hard at work 

And vainly seek for wealth. 
3. 
Don't stop to eat. It might defeat 

Some scheme you have in view! 
Just grab your feed; there is no need 

Of stopping there to "chew." 



20 



4. 

Don't wait to sleep, A wake still keep 

And hurry on your way ; 
You'll earn your fee and richer be (?) 

(And die with less delay.) 

5. 

Alas ! 'tis thus ; with strife aud fuss 
Some wear their bodies out ; 

As for their souls, when such blank foo 
They're lost, beyond a doubt ! 



The Value of Perseverence ; 



OR, HE "GOT THERE" AFTER A WHILE. 
1. 

A youth to smoke resolved to learn, 

Because it looked so fine and smart; 
It made his spirit in him burn, 

And on success he set his heart. 
His first attempt was not a hit 

(It made him feel quite blue and sick) ; 
But no defeat would he admit, 

And to his scheme did fully stick. . 

At last he succeeded, and big did it pay ; 

He everything smoked that came in his way — 

Cigars, cigarettes, meerschaums and clay pipes, 

Used rum and tabac, till they gave him the gripes; 

Gin, morphine and opium took for a cure; 

To a hospital went to render it sure, 

From thence to the poor-house he presently sailed, 

And there "swore off" when his appetite failed. 

Befrain — 
The leaders of men he was bound to be in with 

And everything do up in style. 
He did'nt quite make his fine points to begin with. 

But "got there" most fully, after a while. 

2. 

Another youth for riches yearned; 
He felt if rich he great would be ; 



21 



For gold his spirit in him burned — 
On wealth his heart and hopes set he; 

He worked and saved, but found 'twas slow 
And faster progress must he make 

In order to achieve a "go"' 
And with the rich his place to take. 

He changed then his tactics and watched for a 

chance 
To put in some job that would pay in advance; 
He tried speculation, peculation and blulf, 
But neither of these yielded money enough— 
And when he succeeded in making his haul 
He "went through" a savings-bank, vaults, safes 

and all, 
And casting aside any words such as -'fail," 
"Lit out" with the funds — and soon landed in jail. 

On fame another staked his all — 

He wished all men to hear his name — 
And he resolved to stand or fall 

Upon the pinnacle of fame. 
At first some speeches did he make 

Within an almost empty hall, 
But little notice did they take 

And nothing cared for him at all. 

He found he must hustle and do something big, 

Or else he'd be forced to abandon the "jig"; 

So in order to reach of great glory the goal 

He sailed forth to find and bring home the North 

Pole ; 
And all o'er the world then resounded his name, 
And high did he stand forth in glory and fame ; 
And of glory and fame had he paid the full price 
When starved to death, frozen and stuck in the ice. 



22 
Watch the Bunghole. 



*Tis right to be saving I in fact, 'tis a duty, 
And save now your money, your temper and beauty. 
Care well for your plunder, but watch the big end 
Of your main business chances, and on them de- 
pend. 

Refrain— 
Don't squeeze on your barrel too hard at the spile. 

And make that contemptible blunder 
Of finding, too late, and after a while, 

That the bunghole is open — and under. 

It is an old adage of cents care to take 
And then let the dollars their own tallies make. 
But that's slim advice; for your dollars look out 
While your cents take their chances when either'* 
in doubt. 

In adding your columns scan first that of dollars, 
Next climes and last cents, as quite naturally "f oil- 
ers-. " 
Don't let the cent columns your energies take 
And wait at the big' end your error to make. 

4. 

Keep your eyes on the bunghole full snore than the 

spile j 
Don't watch the small end of your job all the while. 
Look out for vour dollars instead of your cents, 
And take the best chances on coming events. 

5. 
There was an old miser who hoarded his cents ; 
His grip on all coppers was highly intense, 
And meanwhile his dollars he almost forgot. 
But his friends — they remembered — and stole the 
whole lot. 

Refrain— 
He squeezed on his barrel too hard at the spile 

And made the contemptible blunder 
Of keeping both eyes on that place all the while, 

While the bunghole was open — and under. 



23 
Uncle Jerry Messer. 



OR LATENT (DOME) TALENT. 

Full many a gem of purest ray serene 
The dark unfatbomed caves of oeean bear, 
•Full many a flower is born to blush unseen 
And waste its fragrance on the desert air. 

—{Gray's Elegy 

1. 
My Uncle Jerry Messer 

He lived all alone; 
He was a careless dresser 
And a trifle under tone, 
But he always had good victuals 

That he's got by hook or crook, 
And with his pots and kettles 
He stayed and comfort took. 

Oh ! He was a scholar, 

But it didn't "f oiler" that he couldn't "holler," 

And he never raised a shout. [it, 

He was a poet, but he didn't show it nor even know 

And no one found it out. 
He was a wit, but not a bit could he get 

Into common chat; 
He was a hero, but his "Bolero" ran down to zero 
Whene'er he came to bat. 



With work my Uncle Jerry 

Had had a falling out, 
And he was careful very 

Not e'er to be too stout ; 
But he always had some money 

That he'd picked up here and there,, 
And he had his milk and honey, 
Roast beef and pork-steak rare. 

Oh ! He was strong, 

But he thought it wrong and waited long 

When asked to give a lift. 
He was free, but he'cl climb a tree and absent be 

When looked to for a gift. 
He was gay, but he had a way that didn't pay 
Whene'er you looked for mirth ; 



24 



He was learned, but he never earned the grease he 
burned 

By all his lore brought forth. 

3. 

He had a flock of chickens 

That he wintered just for fun. 
And they summered off the pickings 
Of the highways where they run, 
But they laid him many dozens 
Of eggs, on which he'd trade 
And dicker with his cousins, 
Who maple sugar made. 

Oh I He was a Caesar ; 

But his "Ebenezer" required a "Geyser" 

To make it raise. [date-on- 

He was a Cato, but he had to wait-oh till a later 

Before he won much praise, 
He was an Alexander, but the old gander would 
ne'er meander 

Forth on conquest bent; 
He was a Bill Nye, but the old guy would never try 
Romance to invent. 



He Wasn't In It. 



OR CLASSICAL EDUCATION VS. BUSINESS. 
1. 

He had his head brim-full of knowledge. 
For all he'd learned that's taught at college. 
He'd studied law and medicine, 
An inventor, too, like Edison; 
A temperance meeting could he run 
Or anything beneath the sun, — 
But to run himself much help he'd need ; 
Alas ! — he couldn't cook his feed ! 
Refrain — 

Oh, no, alas ! he couldn't win it. 

He had no reason to begin it — 

It surely wouldn't last a minute ; 

In fact, he wasn't "in it." 



25 



2. 

All of geography he knew 
In mind, all countries could he view 
And sweep the whole horizon o'er 
With ev'ry island, sea and shore; 
But when one clay he'd urgent need 
Next town to reach with utmost speed 
He tried and failed ; — he met delay 
Because he didn't know the way ! 

3. 

As baseball pitcher he was great, 
At football he could not be beat ; 
He won at billiards, golf and polo, 
In music, always took the solo ; 
But when he tried farmwork to do 
He found that he had missed his cue — 
To do such jobs he knew not how — 
Alas ! he couldn't milk a cow ! 

4. 

All of philosophy he'd learned 

The while his midnight oil he burned ; 

Of inclined plane, and wedge, and screw 

For all 'twas worth, the whole he knew. 

One clay of work he saw the need 

(In order not to skip his feed) 

He tried some wood to saw and pile— 

And failed : his saw he couldn't file! 

5. 

He knew all language, dead or living. 
Of Greek or Latin he'd the giving ; 
All politics did he contain, 
And might be minister to Spain ! 
But when at last he fell in love 
And his devotion wished to prove, 
Oh ! came he then to a full stop : 
Alas ! he knew not how to pop ! 



The Liar of the Genesee Flats. 



Twas Saturday eve, and they smoked as they told 
Tbe deeds that they'd done in the years gone by; 



26 



And some were recounted that truly were great, 
Where the truth was enough, and 'twas needless 
to lie. 

2. 

The talk turned on work, and a number related 
Experience had, and they stories told showing 

What they'd done in a day by strength and by skill 
At such common jobs as were chopping and 
mowing. 

3. 

Our hero heard all, and then he spoke up 
And said : "Now, my friends, I will tell you what I 

Once did mowing grass when quite young and 
strong. 
I dwelt with my parents, in clays long gone by ; 

4. 

My father," said he, "had a mowing most tine; 

'Twas nearly as level as level could be, 
And it was just exactly a good mile in length, 

On the banks of the beautiful Genesee. 

5. 

'"Twas the Fourth of July that 1 went out and 
mowed 

All day, from the rise till the set of the sun. 
I worked all alone, and I hustled to see 

How much of that work in a day could be done- 

6. - 

' 'O'er the length of the held did I cut a wide swath 

And then I walked back in the space I had mowed 
And so on till sundown I worked in that field 

And carried my scythe as I back through it strode. 
7. 
"When the sun had gone down, as I came oft' the 
field 

I counted my swaths, then to discount all loss, 
And much was surprised then to find I had mowed 

Just an even hundred of times across." 

8. 
They held down their heads in wonder and awe; 

No person there felt that he'd aught more to say 
After hearing our hero then tell them how he 

Had walked thus full two hundred miles in a day ! 



27 



9. 

But moments flew by and they began to "come to,' 
And Anally one old man raised np his head, 

And turning- around our hero to face 

He raised his voice also, and mildly he said : — 

10. 
"But didn't you run?— for an all-day gait 

A mile in four minutes was good for a kid." 
"Very well," said our friend, "reckon just as you 
please, 
But I walked, and I've told vou now just what I 
did." 



Punctuality. 



A TRAGIC AGRICULTURAL LEGEND. 
1. 

A very particular man was old Bliss ; 

His help, when they worked, must begin all to- 
gether. 
And he gave more attention to trifles like this 

Than to any conditions of wind or of weather. 

2. 
A man he had hired to work one clay 

Was a "ne'er get on" sluggard, who always was 
late, 
And he kept the gang waiting in tiresome delay, 
For Bliss of his "rules" theu would nothing abate. 

3. 

They stood still and waited a full hour or more. 

Before Mr. Slow his appearance put in ; 
And Bliss had got mad, and he grumbled and swore 

In a style and a manner that sure was a sin. 

4. 

But at last Mr. Slow was seen wending his way 
To the spot, and thus finally there did he get, 

And, asked if all ready for work, he did say : 
•T am, except I've not breakfasted yet." 



28 



Said Bliss: "Eat your breakfast, 'tis yet on the 
table— 
We'll continue to wait while your stomach you 
stay, 
And then we'll proceed to see if you're able 
And willing to work through the rest of the day." 

6. 

Slow sat down to eat, and at that he proved great, 

With appetite fine and with jaws full of power, 
And he "cornered" the hash while the gang did still 

wait 
For something more than half of an hour. 



At last he drew back, and said Bliss: "Though 
you're done 
'Tis wrong you should quit, where you're such a 
sure winner, 
And here we will stay (as 'tis very near noon), 
And let you keep on ; so now eat your dinner." 



"I'll do so," said Slow, and again he braced up 
And went at the victuals the same as before, 

With tea and with coffee, as cup after cup 

He swallowed, and sat there, all ready for more. 



And still the gang waited, and the boss still grew 
madder; 
He was far pa^st all swearing and frothed at the 
mouth ; 
And the general expression of faces was sadder 
Than a mountain-side frog-pond in the time of a 
drouth. 



Slow finished his dinner, and again he drew back ; 

Said Bliss to his men : "Let him make it complete ; 
And now Mr. Slow, face up to the rack 

And 'never say die,' but your supper now eat!" 



29 



n. 

All right, sir," said Slow, and be once more "went 

in ;" 
More pie and more cheese and more tea did he take. 
Just as easy as when he at first did begin, 

But at last he arose, and was full, to the neck. 
12. 
'•Great Cfesar!" said Bliss; "you're the best man at 
eating 
I've seen in a life-time, and nothing need shirk; 
The feat you've accomplished of all records beating 
And now— if you're ready — we will all go to work /" 

13. 

"If I am expected to work now," said Slow, 
"I'm sorry to say disappointment there'll be; 

For, as soon as I'm able, straight home I must go ; 
My doctor forbids me to work after tea ! I" 



The Price of Youth---A Fable, 



i. 
The old man he wished to be young once again ; 
He knew there was nothing of terror or pain 
That he'd not endure if but thereby in truth 
He could only return to the years of his youth ; 
Through a picker or flour-mill he would willingly 

run 
Once again to go back where his manhood begun. 



Some fairies then heard him bemoaning his fate, 
And pity they took on his unhappy state. 
And so on him called and informed him that they 
His life could put back to his manhood's young day 
And that they would cheerfully grant his petitions 
And restore him to youth, upon "certain condi- 
tions." 

3. 

"Then," said the old man, "since you've heard these 

petitions, 
(to on, now, and tell me, what are your conditions? 



so 



I say to you, truly, if it is in my power, 

They all shall be granted in this very hour, 

For if aught that's on earth can be made to avail 

F'll have back my lost youth very soon, without fail. 

4. 

''Then first," said a fairy, "you must give up your 

gold ; 
It is needless that you should be rich if not old. 
And, if again young, you must once more begin 
As before you once started,. and wealth again win, 
For you can't first be rich — you must give up your 

wealth 
When again you're a boy with strength and with 

health." 

ft. 
Said the old man: "That's hard, for I've worked 

all my life. 
My money has cost me much labor and strife; 
But I accept your condition, for what I've once done 
I can do again quicker with the wit that I've won, 
And I'll need not to work as in years long ago. 
But get back my gold by the things that I know. 

6. 

"But hold." saicl the fairy ; "you also must give 
Up your wisdom and learn it again as you live; 
A boy can't expect to at first be a sage 
And have the ripe knowledge belonging to age. 
You'll have to go back and renew your tuition, 
For that is our next and our second condition. 



"Now," said the old man, "I do really doubt 
[f I know very well what we're talking about, 
And before I decide on what now I may do 
Pray tell me what other conditions have you? 
For if further conditions should add more to this 
The chance to regain my lost youth I shall miss. 

8. 

"Well, then," said the fairy, "there's but one more 

conditio.n, 
But 'tis in plain truth the main part of our mission. 
You must give up your family — children and wife— 



31 



Of them there's no need if yon start new in life; 
Tis enough that a youth for himself should provide, 
And when he's a man take a wife to his side." 

9. 
'Twas enough and to spare, and he bowed down 

his head 
For an instant, considering what had been said ; 
'Twas o'er in a moment, and he had decided 
That he'cl not in life from his all be divided. 
Said he: "If lost youth is regained as you've told, 
Go back where von came from, and let me be old ! 



The New Morality. 



.junk, 1898. 
l. 
They tell us now we must forget 

How Sigsbee's men were foully slain 
And cease to tell our sailor boys 

That they should not forget the Maine. 
It is not moral, so they say. 

That we should now such memories cherish 
"lis better we should let them go. 

And let in vain our sailors perish. 

2. 

Must we forget our history 

And cease to feel our bosoms thrill 
In memory of those who died 

At Lexington and Bunker Hill? 
Ah, no, they hardly ask it now, 

But still, the point is very plain 
That 'twould not do of them to think 

When lighting other foes than Spain. 
3. 
'Tis not to hurt our Spanish foes, 

But 'tis to save ourselves from stain 
That we must e'er remember well 

The tars that perished in the Maine. 
And they will not forgotten be. 

Their memory— a nation's pride- 
Will last wiiile sun and moon and stars 

Shine o'er the harbor where thev died. 



32 



The Church Mauling. 



A TEMPERANCE IDYL OF THE OLDEN TIMES. 
1. 

Elder Peter Bennett 

Held fast ev'ry tenet 
Of the holy Christian Church but one; 

That was Prohibition — 

For of his own volition 
He ne'er could skip his rum when well begun. 

2. 

At length he grew so bad 
The churchmen got quite mad, 

Resolved it was for his reform to call ; 
The ladies made such clatter 
The church took up the matter. 

And he'd do better or he'd take a fall. 

8. 

Mason Lane, as deacon, 

Showed up like a beacon 
Bright and shining like the noonday sun; 

So he was sent to labor 

With this friend and neighbor 
In hopes a temp'rauce victory would be won. 

4. 

Blacksmith Cole, too, went there 
(Not that he was sent there, 

But volunteered, to help the scheme succeed). 
And one cold day in Autumn 
His horse and wagon brought 'em 

To where the Elder lodged and took his feed. 

5. 
So the Elder met them smiling. 
Their fondest hopes beguiling, 

As at his door he warmly welcomed both ; 
He'cl learned his own position — 
Stood posted on their mission, 

And to even up with them was nothing loth. 



33 



"Drinks" were then a custom 
(And though it rarely bust 'em, 

Still the Elder's friends both loved their rum), 
So drinks for them were fixed 
Of gin and whiskey mixed (?) 

And waiting ready stood for them to come. 
7. 

As soon as they were seated 

The Elder kindly treated 
(Refuse to drink they could not and be fair). 

He had no elevator — 

So forty minutes later 
Both friends were "laid out" on the hall-way stair. 

8. 

They laid there till next morning 

(The scenery adorning) 
A nd waked then feeling very blue and sore. 

Then having got their steam up 

They sadly hitched their team up 
-And then the subject ne'er was mentioned more. 



Avoidance of Trouble. 



If you can't be deprived of your slumber 

Enough to get up with the sun 
And stay through the day at your business 

Until a clay's work you have doue, 
Don't study to be a doctor, 

In learning expect to excel, 
Nor think you will flourish at dances 

Or run a summer hotel. 



If you can't build your fires in the morning 

On account of exposure to cold, 
And determine to have other business 

As soon as your plant you have sold, 
You'd better not start for the Klondike 

Or go on a trip to the Pole, 
But travel to Florida waters 

Or else use your change to buy coal. 



34 



If you can't stand the care and the worry 

Of running a jewelry shop, 
Or of trading- in sugar or coffee, 

And decide that such business must stop, 
Don't ask an election to Congress 

Or study to practice the law 
Or try speculation in "margins," 

But see if some wood you can saw. 



Promptness. 



A PATHETIC DESCRIPTIVE SKETCH. 
1. 

His stubborn mule declined to go 
And what to do Jim did not know ; 
To curse, he found, did naught avail, 
And tried to twist the critter's tail. 

In order to avoid delay 

And hold his funeral next clay, 

Jim's friends "chipped in" the costs to pay 

And had his grave dug right away. 

2. 

One day a-hunting Tom did go, 
He meant his gun should make no show ; 
His belt he 'round its muzzle wound 
And let it "tow" upon the ground. 

In order to escape delay 
And have his fun'ral come next day 
Tom's friends "put up" all costs to pay 
And hired his grave dug right away. 

3. 

The pesky fire it would not burn, 
And Sam he cursed the whole concern ; 
The shavings were so damp and green 
He on the lire poured kerosene. 

In order not to meet delay, 

But do the business up next clay, 

Sam's friends "came down" the bills to pay 

And got the grave dug right away. 



35 
Municipal Machine Politics. 



i. 
Our two machines are set and wound 

And smoothly work together; 
They're very stanch and will withstand 

Quite a stress of weather. 
Let ev'ry man go to the polls 

And vote his own convictions, 
Each one deciding for himself 

What now are facts or fictions ; 
As for results, we little care — 

(We'll go and have a snooze) — 
It's like the toss-up of a cent, 

Heads, we win ; tails, you lose! 

2. 

Let ev'ry voter take his choice, — 

We care not how he chooses, — 
For we've control of both machines, 

And 'twill be him that loses ! 
If one side wins, or if the other. 

You'll find us still on top ; 
You might as well now skip all bother 

And let the subject drop ; 
But study hard and do your best. 

For 'tis a fix you're in, 
And all your chance amounts to this : 

Heads, you lose; tails, we win! ! 



Wise Counsel. 



i. 
Young men, don't go to see the girls. 
Don't get your coats against their curls. 
Don't hang around with them to talk 
Nor ever go with them to walk, 
But stay at home and ply your trade 
And thus all wicked thoughts evade. 
In doing this you'll wisdom heed, 
Oh, yes ! oh, yes indeed ! 

2. 

Young girls, don't let the boys come near, 
Don't let yourselves their discourse hear. 



86 



Don't let them make the least advance, 
Nor ever with them flirt or dance, 
But stay at home and help your marm 
And you'll be always safe from harm 
And e'er your "title clear" can read 
Oh, yes ! oh, yes indeed ! 

3. 

My friends, don't sugar candy eat 
Nor spoil your teeth with pound-cake sweet 
Don't e'er escalloped oysters try, 
Nor stuff yourselves with chicken pie, 
But eat your beans and good corn-cake 
And graham bread in skimmed milk take, 
On meal-ancl-water gruel feed, 
Oh, yes ! oh, yes indeed ! 

4. 

Young man, don't learn cigars to smoke, 
Nor tonic beer drink till you choke ; 
Don't ever play at games of chance, 
Nor learn to fiddle, sing or dance, 
But saw your wood and hoe your corn 
And milk the cows at early morn ; 
A life of honest labor lead, 
Oh, yes ! oh, yes indeed ! 



Buy Rather than Beg. 



l. 
"Buy rather than beg" as long as you've a cent ; 
Your dignity keep, and therewith be content; 
Don't e'er condescend to beg for your bread 
As long as you're sure of a penny ahead. 

2. 

''Beg rather than steal," for 'tis manly and true 
When nothing you've got, and disgraces not you : 
•'Ask and ye shall receive," the Scripture doth say; 
Then steal not, but beg, when e'er you can't pay. 

Take rather than starve ; 'tis your duty to live 
To yourself and your God, whom your being did 
give; 



37 



No honor nor honesty bids you to die 

That others may save and get rich by and bye. 



Woodstock. 



i. 
Go forth ten thousand miles away 

And search for landscapes fine 
Along the Jordan and the Nile, 

The Danube and the Rhine, 
And then come back to old Vermont 

And stop at Woodstock Green, 
And Billings' Hill and Sunnyside 

Are fine as yon have seen. 

Go forth and view Killarney's lakes, 

So pleasant and so cool ; 
The beauteous lake of Como see 

And then Siloam's pool. 
Then take in Jacob's Well, and all 

From Equinox to Pole, 
And you have found no prettier spot 

Than that we call Pogue Hole. 



Tom, Dick and Harry 



OK, TWO FOR A CENT. 
1. (TOM, THE ARTIST.) 
No work would he do, for Tom was an artist, 

A portrait-painter of staving renown ; 
His views were the finest, his faces the smartest 

That e'er had been seen in that sleepy old town. 
He studied, and painted, took lessons and loafed, 

Gathered glory and fame and drew his full rations. 
Wore high standing collars, kept his hands white 
and soft, 

As he practised his art and bled his relations. 
But, as time passed on, and his friends passed away, 

He had to "cut down" on his feed and his collars, 
And his eyes grew dim and his hair turned gray, 

While ev'ry one had ample use for their dollars. 



38 



Refrain — > 
So few could he get that he found he must part 
With all his choice pictures and trophies of art; 
As he moved to the poor-house at auction they went 
At four cents a dozen, or two for a cent. 

Chorus — 
Two for a cent — two for a cent — 
And ever with that much he must be content, 
For he found 'twas the closing- and final "event" 
At four cents a dozen, or two for a cent. 

2. (DICK, THE POET.) 

No work must Dick do, for he was a poet, 

Song writer and author, story teller and wit, 
And was fully determined all people should know it, 

And so, by his talent, his living he'd get. 
Much glory he reaped, but he never got wealthy, 

For well do we know if we but stop and think 
That people like wit, but are bound to be healthy, 

And their money goes mainly for victuals and 
drink, 
While songs are but cheap, and stories still cheaper. 

And little but glory in poetry dwells; [reaper, 
And the years they fled by, and they found Dick the 

But of what he had sown — and of little that sells. 
Refrain— 
He'd got to raise money or "go to the wall," 
And he brought forth his songs, funny stories and 
all. [went 

He took them clown town, where at auction they 
At four cents a dozen, or two for a cent. 

Chorus— 
Two for a cent — two for a cent, 
And only with that much he must be content. 
For he found it the closing and final "event," 
At four cents a dozen, or two for a cent. 

3. (HARRY, THE WORKER.) 

Less smart was poor Harry than were Tom and 
Dick, 
He hadn't the cheek to live by his learning, 
And having once tried it, he found very quick 
That his best chance was work, his living thus 
earning. 
So to working he went and worked ev'ry day, 



BO 



And when it came night went to bed and to sleep. 
In health and in money he got his full pay, 

And most that he got he proved able to keep 
He took him a wife and children thev raised, 

And as he grew eld did these children grow strong 

And at church ev'ry Sunday the Lord was then 

praised, [along." 

And neighbors were helped then to "push things 
Refrain — 
When it came to figuring up of his pay 
'Twas found that though much he had given away 
He was able to live, and long could he stay 
To use the increase of his -'dollar a day." 

Chorus — 
A dollar a day — a dollar a clay, 
Good willing farm-labor will certainly pay, 
With a generous living during your stay — 
Six dollars a week — a dollar a clay. 

The Two Brothers, or Retributive 
Accident. 



A PASTORAL SKETCH IN BLANK VERSE AFTER WORDS 
WORTH (AT LONG RANGE.) 

Two brothers, Samuel and James, lived and spent 

Their clays, on adjoining farms, in a back town 

They were — as the world goes — good citizens 

And prosperous farmers. But they belonged 

To rival religious sects ; — also to 

Rival and contending political 

Parties, and ev'rything els :■ of the sort, 

And, so maintained a principal business 

Of hating each other "above ground" and 

With a deep and mutual hatred. 

One morn 
fn sunny May James did find his horse's tail 
Entirely denuded of hair, to all 
Appearance it having been clipped and shaved 
In his stall. No person knew aught of the 
Matter, and it was "presumably a sad 
Accident" (the same as quite recently 
Has befallen our gallant new battle-ship 
The Maine, in Havana harbor). 



40 



But James 
In his heart did think it to be the work 
Of his enemy, and with quietude 
He kept his own counsel and 'bided his 
Time." And then, about six weeks later on. 
Lo and behold, one morning - Samuel's horse 
Was found in stall with a hairless tail. 
Then ev'rything resumed its wonted state 
(The "balance of power" being restored) 
And went on as before, and each of the 
Brothers gaily drove a spike-tailed horse 
And was satisfied and happy. 



Three Cheers for Old Vermont. 



i. 
Three cheers for old Vermont now give: 

Of States she is the queen, 
Her people free and happy live, 

Among her mountains green. 
No earthquakes here e'er make a "go," 

No cyclones do appear, 
Of pestilence we nothiug know, 

Nor famine do we fear. 

[Chorus— First four lines 

2. 

Our skies are bright, our waters clear. 

Our people true and brave; 
In wisdom we our children rear, 

And health and strength they have. 
Of "labor wars" we little know 

And less we care for "strikes" 
As to and from our work we go 

Or not — as each one likes. 
3. 
We own no masters, kings nor lords 

Save Him in Heaven above ; 
We act our pleasures, choose our words 

And live in peace and love. 
We clo not wish for toil and strife; 

Of comfort do we think, 
And lead a quiet, busy life, 

With healthy food and drink. 



i- I B*IRY~OF 



Mi 




